Thursday, December 13, 2012

12/12/12 – A Day I Won’t Forget

Let me start not on 12/12, but back a while.

October 15th

I’m at work, and I get an email. When I see Heidi’s name (our social worker) come up on my email list, my heart stops and my palms sweat. Immediately. It’s a pretty amazing reaction, actually. Anyway, I quickly scanned her email as I dialed Brent’s phone number.

I told him the situation and told him we could talk about this. I said that I was open to it, even though it was a situation that we initially had said we were not open to. He said there was no use in talking, then, because he was open to this, too. I immediately emailed Heidi back and said we would love our book to be shown.

Well, a few missed meetings and a lot of prayers later…

November 12th

I had a meeting over lunch. Brent knew that. He tried calling me when we were on our way back to the office. We were just about back, so I just hit the “ignore” button and figured I’d call him back when I got to my desk. No more than 10 seconds later, my phone was ringing again. We were in the parking lot, so I answered the phone as I got out of Lori’s truck.

Brent was in the parking lot, and he needed me to come sign some 401K paperwork. So, I quickly went to his truck and hopped in. Instead of paperwork, he handed me a pink little sleeper and asked how I thought that would look on our baby girl.

WE HAD BEEN CHOSEN! And a girl? A girl!

I just remember sitting there and saying, “What?” Every detail he would tell me, I would respond by saying, “What?” in complete shock and disbelief.

We had so much fun telling family and friends. But most of all… we could not wait to get home and tell the boys! They were so excited (to say the least).

Kristi came with me to pick out fabric. I made a baby blanket. I finished sewing the crib bedding that I had started earlier in the adoption process.

November 29th

Brent and I tried to go in to work for a little while. This day was far too exciting, though. This was a day that I had dreamed about so many times. Not all couples that adopt get to experience this, and I felt blessed beyond words to be meeting the birthmom. Brent and I met Heidi (social worker) and Brooke (the birthmom) at a restaurant. For two hours we sat and talked to her and got to know her. We talked about our hopes and dreams, and she told us hers. We felt like we completely bonded with her.

That brings us to 12/12/12.

We had been packing our stuff for about a week. Brody and I had packed the baby’s suitcase a couple nights before. It was fun to go through all those clothes. I had bought a little outfit for Christmas day. I imagined all the people coming and wanting to see her. I had dreamed about all the Christmas pictures of her with the boys. Karter asked if I would bring her to school on the day that he had the share bag.

Anyway, back to 12/12. We were all upstairs. We were packing bags. It takes a lot of organization to be gone (and away from our boys) for up to two weeks. This was our attempt. We felt like it would be any day, and we needed to feel like we were somewhat prepared.

Then the phone rang. Now, I told you how I reacted when I got an email from Heidi. But let me tell you… when your social worker calls… you stop in your tracks.

“Hello?”

(sigh), “Oh, Kelli.”

Crap!

I just stood in shock as she told me that the baby was born earlier that day, and now Brooke was rethinking things. Heidi told us that we needed to pray. We needed to stop what we were doing and pray that God’s will be done.

And that’s what we did. As soon as we got off the phone, we sat on the floor of our bedroom, with tiny pink clothes all around us, and Brent prayed. He’s amazing. He prays passionately and honestly. We didn’t try to keep the boys still. Brody sat with his hands covering his ears, because he didn’t want to listen. Karter laid down and sobbed. I sat and struggled to breathe.

My heart was breaking. I was pretty sure of it. Heidi had told us that Brooke hadn’t made a decision yet. She thought that she would maybe make that decision on Thursday or Friday. When that decision was made, Heidi would call us.

Now what? What are we supposed to do? We did the only thing we could think of. We called our family and friends, and we asked them to join us in prayer. We knew they would, too. We snuggled with our boys. In fact, we fell asleep in their beds, and we loved every second of it.

December 13

I was hoping I would wake up today and this would all have been a terrible dream. I woke up wishing it all to go away. It didn’t. Should we be hopeful or realistic? It felt like those were my options. I wanted them to be the same thing. My wish would not come true.

Late this afternoon Heidi called back to say that she had heard from Brooke. Brooke had decided to parent this child. This baby that we had named, together with Brooke, would never fall asleep on Brent’s chest. She would never get to go to Karter’s class. She would never get to sleep in Brody’s bed, like he had been talking about for so long. And my arms, that don’t just long to hold any baby, but specifically for that baby… they would remain empty.

We are numb. We are trying to walk through this with our boys, and our families, and our prayer partners. All day long we received texts from friends and family. People that cared enough to send Bible verses and that called to just make sure we were OK.

We know that God put us on this path, and we believe that He will bring our baby home, even if it’s not the baby that we thought it would be.

We covet your prayers, for Brooke, for the baby, for Karter and Brody, and for Brent and myself. We are so thankful for an awesome social worker that gets it.

Here’s a picture that Karter drew for us. I guess it sums it up pretty well. It says, “I am sorry our little girl maybe won’t come home.”

IMAG0380

15 comments:

Amy Christopherson said...

Oh Kelli~
My heart is breaking for your family! Please know that we are praying for you and that God will lead you through this difficult time.

Amy, Scott, Carson & Brock

Jaclyn said...

Oh Kelli! Tears, tears, tears! I wish I had the right words! Praying for God's grace to fill you up as your heart breaks with the possible loss of the hopes and dreams this precious little girl and birth mom has brought to you, Brent and the boys. Many, many prayers for you all!

Alicia said...

Oh Kelli, My heart breaks for you guys. Reading your update just now and praying that it would be good news at the end. I am SO sorry, I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. I don't know the right thing to say but I want you to know that I am lifting you brent and your boys up to our Lord. We just don't understand why?! praying that God will give you peace and strength to move forward continually trusting in Gods Will. I love you and wish I could just hug you right now. My heart just hurts for you.
Alicia W.

Anonymous said...

Well, as Mike, Jenn and I sit here crying for this whole situation, I can't imagine how you guys feel. I am sure that God's plan is perfect, but right now, it's so hard to understand. You guys are amazing parents, and somewhere there is a baby and a "birf" mom that will be so thankful for that! We are definitely praying for Brooke and the baby! And it goes without saying that you are all in our prayers. Lots of hugs and we will certainly be seeing you all soon. Love you all! Pat and family

vangoghlover said...

You guys are in my prayers.

Suzy

~Kristi~ said...

We love you guys. More than I could ever find words for. I know you know this, but I thought I'd tell you just in case you needed to hear it. :) Or maybe I just needed to tell you - again.

Praying and trusting...

Love,
Matt, Kristi, Brett, Trevor & Eli

Kay said...

Kelli,Brent & boys, our heart is breaking for you all, lifting you up in our prayers.

Terry, Kay, Trev, Reed & Kasi

Anonymous said...

Brent, Kelly, and boys:
Lifting you all up in prayers, may God comfort you in this difficult time. Prayers to Brooke and the little baby girl-that God will protect them and lead them.
*Karrisa

Doree said...

You guys are in our prayers during this hard time!

Doree W

J Vollmecke said...

Lifting you and your family in prayers. My heart is extremely sad for you, and I pray that you feel a sense of peace beyond our understanding. Never regret living in the moment and riding the rollercoaster of excitement and nervousness that adoption brings. Much love, tears and hugs.
Jami V.
“I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)”

Heather D said...

Kelli & family,
I know that this is a hard time for you & your family. We are praying for you all & Brooke and the little one.I am praying that God will give you comfort to get thru this time & many prayers go out to you all!!

Heather D

Curves SiouxCenter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carey said...

So sad for your breaking hearts!! This journey can be so joyous and so so very painful!! Prayers coming your way.

(Curves deleted comment was mine...signed in as wrong user. Sorry. But I do happen to know you have friends at Curves praying for you too!!)

Mindi Jackes said...

Ug. That SUCKS!! We know going into adoption that it's going to be tough, but we're never ready for what the journey will be. So sorry. Will be praying for you guys as I have been!! Love you!

Mindi Jackes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.